Whoa: How did I miss this?

Bookie: How did I not know about this? Where have I been. No lengthy blog entry here--I want details.

A Southern Belle's Decisions

I appreciate the philosophy of critiquing the current self in order to achieve goals and a higher quality of life. I think that we are, of course, people of the past & the present and that our life decisions (good or bad) shape the course of life. I find it useful to consider my current self, and my decisions, and how such an evaluation can transform the way I live my daily life.

When considering my past decisions, I have realized that I tend to make decisions based on my gut feeling. Sounds like an oversimplification, I know, but, quite honestly, my gut tends to be right. I have reflected on this recently as I have been faced with some difficult decisions over the past couple of years. In my reflection I have learned a pattern about myself that I was not so certain about a couple of years ago: When I ignore my gut instinct, I regret it. This may be the case for most people, and maybe I should have discovered this pattern before the age of 28, but clarity does come with some trial & error. When faced with a difficult relational decision, I listened to my gut when it was telling me he wasn't right. Although it took me some time to heal, I am confident about that decision. When contemplating a recent living situation, my gut said the same thing: 'This isn't right, get yourself out of this.' I ignored this one and my life has been full of challenges since.

More recently, I grappled with a job decision. My gut was very strongly telling me 'Don't take it. Don't take it.' However, the pressure was high and I have always been somewhat of a push-over, so saying no and standing up for myself has always been a challenge, particularly when the people around me are saying 'Go for it!' I stayed up all night one night grappling with this - Should I go? Should I wait for something else? And, honestly, it came down to listening to my gut again. I knew that if I went I would regret it, and I couldn't let myself do that and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did.

Even more recently I was presented with a similar job decision. Except, this time, my gut was telling me: 'Take it! You better take it! This is right!' So, I am very happy to report that I will be moving to the University of Tennessee!! I am still in shock that I will be moving to Tennessee (I had never even been to the state before the interview), but I am confident that it is the right place for me right now and I couldn't be happier.

Maybe I will meet that southern gentleman after all :-)

Reasons?

I am not sure that experiences happen for a reason or purpose beyond our immediate knowledge. In fact, I wonder if the question is really just an easy way for us to lose focus on those things that matter--our living and deciding upon certain courses of action over others. I think the best strategy is often to understand that the individuals we are at any given moment are the result of accidents and choices that are in the past. The point, at least for me, is to question myself as to whether or not I enjoy the person I am at any given moment. If not then I need to make a different set of choices so that I can feel comfortable about the person I believe myself to be. This discussion is an incredible oversimplification of a rather complex idea. Still, too much looking backs means one cannot properly project one's self into the future. I fear I sound a bit too much like my own father here. In closing I would say this: Whatever the reasons that things happen, let me have the humility to critique my older selves and my past choices in hopes of continually transforming myself in ways that satisfy my better urges and benefit the lives of those around me.

Curiosity

Regarding my last post, I am not necessarily regretful about my graduate school decision; however, I am curious where life would have taken me had I not continued on. Graduate school has afforded me many opportunities that would never otherwise happened. I have grown personally and intellectually. I believe that things do happen for a reason and one day I will look back and see (with clarity) why this path was chosen. I am grateful for the many opportunities, but continue to be uncertain where this road will take me.

On a very random aside, I had very vivid nightmares this past weekend after viewing the film Taken. I find it fascinating that real-life occurrences pop up in dreams.